God's Faithfulness in Loss

Mama  and my son

I have been absent from here for awhile, I know. In early March, my sweet mom went to be with our Lord and savior, Jesus Christ.  How I miss the very essence that was her sweetness, her unconditional love, her voice booming with the sounds of constant praise and worship to our Lord.  She was such a beautiful, vivacious spirit and how often, I long for her presence. She left us with an arsenal full of hilarious memories (she was the funniest woman alive), and all the love any person could ever imagine another human being could ever give.

Mom had been sick for a while, and while I knew her physical body was struggling, greatly, I still wasn’t prepared for her early, earthly death.  It’s a difficult thing to spend your life loving someone, and then suddenly being without them.

In the midst of that, I struggled for a good while. I couldn’t quite come to terms of my existence without her.  I felt cold inside, I felt alone, I felt as if I couldn’t feel the heart of myself… numb. Externally, I coped, distracting myself with anything and everything, but internally I felt so disconnected from everything - even from God.

I remember wanting to pray. Needing to pray, but being unable to. And though I’m often full of words – no words could quite describe what I was feeling. No articulation could form from my mouth, about how desperately I ached in losing her, about how empty losing her had left me.

For weeks that turned into months, I couldn’t pray.  I thought outwardly to the Lord and about the Lord, but I was so disconnected. I didn’t blame Him, I just couldn’t speak anything. There were no words that could express the depths of all that was bound up in my heart.  Often in my feeble attempt, I would get on my knees and just lay in the dark crying, babbling words that couldn't translate, words that fell short of what I needed to say, and it left me feeling helpless and inert, and disabled in a way. Looking back, I know the Holy Spirit, interceded on my behalf – because outside of that being part of what He does, God was still carrying me, when I was unable to carry myself.

Finally, sometime in June, I came to the Lord. On my knees words began flowing out. I spoke my heart, and like a waterfall, everything came pouring out that had been bundled up for months.  He gave me, “beauty for my ashes.”  Isaiah 61:3 says, To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.  

He replenished and renewed my heart with new desires, new hope, new songs to praise Him. In the depths of my brokenness God watered my soul, renewing my faith, and restoring my devastated heart.  How great is thy faithfulness, oh God. I still hurt thinking of my sweet mom, but the Comforter reassures me often, that God loves me, He will never leave or forsake me, and that Mama is whole and healed partaking in the heavens with our Lord Jesus Christ!

Sometimes, we don't know how or why things happen the way they do. There's no rhyme or reason from our earthly perspective of the sequence and unfolding of things. What we can be certain of though, what we can rely on and depend on every time, is the great faithfulness of our God! In times of trouble, and in times of loss, He is faithful and will ALWAYS come to our rescue.

God Bless you!

Chana